When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
