Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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