the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
