GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
