I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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