there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
