"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
