how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
