Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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