I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
That accounts for only three of the penises
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
