Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
