This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
