last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
