Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
