u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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