dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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