Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
