Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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