Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
