Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
