I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
