oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
