Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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