dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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