Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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