Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
