i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
