he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
