I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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