oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
