I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
