AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
