My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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