You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
