Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this beer tastes like vomit already
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
