dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
