The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
