Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
