Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
