got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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