Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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