I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
