I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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