So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I want to be your penis for a week.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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