A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
