OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
