This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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