6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
