I'm so fucking centered right now
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
