so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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