I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He has the fingertips of a God
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