Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I need a beard to bite.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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