he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
