We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
