whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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