How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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