We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
me + whiskey = a bad person
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
